single_man_tear | Journal Entry: Dear Sam

Dear Sammy,

Saw you today. And Dean Jr. I know I should've stayed away, but I just had to see you.

I told the astrophysicist how I feel. Probably screwed that up. She’s not where I am, and I get it. You can’t force someone to feel something they don’t. But after ten years of not admitting how I felt for another person I'm okay with it.

Right after, though, I needed to talk to someone. I needed you. But you don’t even know I’m alive.

So I found some cases. Mostly just excuses to drag me back to Kansas. Thought maybe catching a glimpse of you would be enough.

But it just pissed me off.

I’m glad you’re out of the life. I'm really glad you’ve got the family you always wanted.

But I know that’s not in the cards for me. Only one of us gets to have the apple pie life. And watching you with your kid, chasing him around the park? Yeah, that pushed me over the edge.

Cas showed up, saved me from doing something stupid. Guess that’s his job now, since you can’t.

I hate that I can’t talk to you. I hate that you’re not here to tell me it’ll be okay. I hate that you’re not around so I can tell you about her.

(She's amazing, Sammy. I wish you could meet her.)

But most of all, I hate that you got the happy ending, and I’m stuck figuring out how to keep going without you.

It sucks, man. But I don’t know any other way to deal.

I miss having you in the passenger seat.

-Dean